Thinksport Bottles

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08.28.09 5:34 am

I’ll admit. I drink a lot of water. Did you know that you’re supposed to get 8 - 8 oz. glasses of water a day? I’m not exactly sure what happens if you don’t, but it probably has something to do with proper bladder function. Or perhaps you turn into a raisin. But let’s face it, with all the sweet, sugary drinks out there, plain water is kind of…plain. In my amped up, thrill-driven, kinetic life, good ol’ H2O just won’t fly. So I have developed an affinity for the new flavored waters. I’ll try any of the new flavors — berry, kiwi, watermelon, even pineapple.

So when I heard about some new flavors coming out I was stoked. However, I had to admit I never heard of these new flavors — with names like BPA, Phthalates, Cadmium, PVC, and Lead. These didn’t sound too appetizing. So I got on a little thing we call the Internet and did me some searching around. Turns out these aren’t flavors at all! These are just some wonderful added ingredients that come with drinking bottled water that comes in polycarbonate-based bottles. And it turns out they’re not too good for you. Well, unless you like irreversible neurological damage, birth defects, cancer, or pulmonary emphysema. I’m trying to avoid these things myself.

So imagine my delight when I chanced into finding these cool Thinksport Bottles. They are free of all the aforementioned nasties and are instead made from stainless steel. Nothing wrong with stainless steel as far as I know. If it’s good enough for surgeons it’s good enough for me. The Thinksport bottles are double walled and vacuum sealed to keep your liquids (read: flavored water) cold or hot without sweating. (Never let your bottle sweat.) AND it comes with a drinking spout and internal screen to hold in ice or tea leaves while drinking. So kind of those folks to think of that.

Garmin Colorado 300 Personal Navigator

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08.28.09 5:32 am

Trip to Sunny Lake

A Travelogue by Alex Smith

Day 1 - 6:30 am: What a glorious morning! An absolutely perfect day to go camping. I am so stoked! For the record, it’s going to be me, my girlfriend Freda, our friend Mike and his son Luke. Our plan is to is drive to the Sunny Lake Wilderness Area, unload our gear and hike the 10 miles into Sunny Lake. Everyone is in good spirits.

Day 1 - 8:30 am: Made it to Sunny Lake Wilderness Area. It took a little longer than expected due to a minor delay. As we were driving, Freda swore that a small rodent of some kind–she thinks an opossum–ran in front of our car. She was sure we hit it, so we pulled over and inspected the front of the vehicle. As no animal was found, Freda began to search the tall grass along the road for the injured creature. After no such road kill was found, we resumed our trip. And we’re here! Let’s get going!

Day 1 - 10:30 am: Halfway to Sunny Lake! Getting this far took longer than expected, since Mike and Freda had to keep switching off helping me portage the canoe. (I really wish I had gone with the Kevlar model.) Luke was no help at all even though he was perfectly capable. I don’t know why Mike puts up with that attitude. Freda humming the theme to “Deliverance” is also starting to grate on me just a tad. But no worry…in just a short while we’ll be at beautiful Sunny Lake!

Day 1 - 12:30 pm: We should be there by now, but it started to rain about an hour ago and everyone just HAD to get their rain gear on. What’s the big friggin’ deal about a little rain? And Luke is such a whiner - “I’m cold!” “I’m wet!” “I’m hungry!” I don’t think he’s got the camping bug yet. We’ll get him turned around as soon as he sees how great Sunny Lake is!

Day 1 - 2:15 pm: We must have taken a wrong turn a while back because I can’t see Sunny Lake anywhere. Mike was SO adamant about taking that left fork a few miles ago. I told him the path clearly went to the right, but no, Mike ALWAYS has to have his way. I sure hate the fact that he’s so selfish. He must drive his wife mad. I’m glad Freda isn’t like that. Now Luke is just sitting on the ground listening to his I-pod. What a little Sh**. I’m sure we’re not more than a half-mile to Sunny Lake. I can feel it!

Day 1 - 3:45 pm: We’ve retraced our steps but can’t seem to find where the fork in the path was. Freda is complaining that she wants to give up and go home. I KNEW she didn’t like camping! What a fraud her Facebook profile was with all that “I really love camping” stuff. Yeah, camping in her bedroom eating bon-bons! I little exercise wouldn’t hurt that XL ass of hers either. Mike says his shoulders are getting tired from carrying the canoe. He suggests we leave it and come back for it tomorrow. Yeah right! I’m not leaving my $2500 canoe out here for any numskull to take!

Day 1 - 4:15 pm: Mike, Luke and Freda are all headed back to the car. A bunch of jerks if you ask me! All I wanted to do was show them how GREAT camping is, and how beautiful Sunny Lake is at dusk. That’s just fine. I DO NOT NEED THEM AT ALL! The joke is on them though. I’ve got the keys to the car!

Day 1 - 6:50 pm: Not quite sure where I am. It’s getting pretty dark out though and this damn canoe is so friggin’ heavy. WHY DID I BRING A CANOE? I’ve decided to leave the canoe here and come back for it later after I’ve set up camp at Sunny Lake.

Day 1 - 8:30 pm: It’s pitch black out here. My headlamp batteries are dead. It’s been pouring rain for 2 hours. The trail I’ve been following seems to have dead-ended. Where’s that F***ing lake? Why didn’t I buy that Garmin Colorado 300 Personal Navigator like Freda had suggested? I’d be out of this jam already. That thing has got everything–color screen, high-sensitivity receiver, barometric altimeter, electronic compass. I could have set 50 routes, 1000 waypoints and 20 tracks! I AM SO STUPID! I am definitely buying that if I ever get out of this mess!

Day 2 - 6:30 am: I had a miserable night last night. Tried to set up the tent but lost the poles in the darkness. Ended up just throwing it over me and sitting down. Woke up in a deep puddle with leaches all over me and a rash from something else. It’s all Mike’s fault. What a horrible friend. I miss Freda. She was the best thing I ever had.

Hang on…I hear voices…

It’s Freda! I’m SAVED!

Day 2 - 6:35 am: This is Freda. Alex is an idiot. After I get him out of here with my Garmin Colorado 300 Personal Navigator, I’m breaking up with him. And what’s with this stupid travelogue?

Oregon Scientific Portable Public Alert Radio

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07.03.09 11:04 pm

Oregon Scientific Portable Public Alert Radio

Oregon Scientific Portable Public Alert Radio

Due to a writer’s strike at BigFire Camping Gear, the following product review is being given by me, Jim Spergousy, the web designer.

 

I ain’t no wordsmith like that other fella that writes in this blog. All’s I know is that I’m supposed to write something about this here radio. I guess he figured that since I got one of these I oughta know what I’m talking about.

 

Well, all I really can tell you is I don’t recommend leaving home without one. The WR103 Portable Public Alert Radio provides emergency alerts anywhere in the U.S. When you’re camping, traveling, boating, hiking, or working outdoors, use the WR103 to receive weather information and emergency broadcasts from the National Weather Service.

Let me give you an example of why you might wanna get one of these. Me and my buddy Glen went camping last summer. We didn’t even think about checking what the weather was going to be like. Glen has this super waterproof tent that can practically float on water, so I figured whatever the heavens could bring on wouldn’t be a match for us. Uh, well, I was wrong. A damn lighting bolt hit a tree right next to us, and that baby came straight down on our tent. Luckily it landed right between ol’ Glen and me. But that tent was ruined. Boy, Glen was pissed. Oops, I mean mad. We ended up sleeping in the truck that night. My back is still screwed up from that.

Anyway, like I said, I’m no writer, but I do talk from experience. GET ONE OF THESE!
–Jim

GSI Glacier JavaPress

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04.30.09 4:38 pm

GSI Glacier JavaPress

GSI Glacier JavaPress

Sacre Bleu! Damn the French with their effete accents, their duvets, their bidets, and their damn fancy coffee. Excuse me, I meant café. Don’t you just want to hate them? But you can’t, because that coffee is so good! But how’s a man to get good coffee like that when he’s out in the wilderness? Well, the waiting is at an end. Now is the time to get yourself a GSI Glacier Stainless JavaPress.

The GSI Glacier JavaPress makes French Press coffee renowned for its elegant simplicity and a rich, smooth, pure taste that cannot be duplicated with drip, filter or percolator-type coffee makers.

The GSI JavaPress is a thermally-insulated, double-walled carafe with a pour-through lid to keep your coffee hotter longer. The durable Glacier Stainless® steel body and stable, high impact plastic base will give you years of reliable coffee in the outdoors.

Black Diamond Icon 3-Watt LED Headlamp

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04.10.09 4:06 am

Dear Hiring Manager,


I would like to apply for the position of Everest Expedition Leader as listed on Craigslist with a post date of 4/9/09.

After reviewing the requirements of the position, I feel my background is well-suited to the position.

While I have never lead an expedition of the scope and magnitude entailed in this position, I feel that my experience in other areas more than makes up for this. For the last 10 years, I have led trips comprised of several individuals to the coffee shop on the corner of our block. This has required immense organizational and leadership skill. Group members were required to meet at a designated rendezvous spot outside the building at 10:30 am. They were told to talk with no one on their way out, and if questioned were told to report they had a “client meeting.” With only one exception this was carried out without incident.

Other skills I possess that would lend themselves well to this position include my ability to keep my balance whilst walking on the icy sidewalks near my home, the ability to light my cigarette while wearing heavy gloves, and my rope work ability gained through several years of using the rope tow at our local ski hill. (I am skilled in the use of the one-hand in front, one-hand in back technique that I am sure you require.)

Of particular note is my knowledge in the areas of lighting and proper headlamp usage. I currently possess the Black Diamond Icon 3-Watt LED headlamp, and have mastered the skills necessary to operate its 8 brightness settings. This has come in particularly handy when using the lowest brightness level to speak directly with other team members and not wanting to blind them. I am also intimately familiar with the Icon’s 160 hour burn time, battery power meter, and its optional NRG Rechargeable Battery Kit–all gained through extensive field use.

It’s for these reasons I believe you should hire me as your next Everest Expedition Leader. Please contact me as your earliest convenience. I look forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely,

Tim Bulb

ps: references available upon request.

www.bigfirecampinggear.com

Vargo Shepard’s Hook Titanium Stakes

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03.17.09 7:10 pm

Vargo Shepards Hook Titanium Stakes

Vargo Shepard's Hook Titanium Stakes

March 17, 2009 Athens, Greece –Officials today unearthed one of Aesop’s lost fables carved on a stone tablet that was found buried under a portapotty near the Parthenon.

The fable is already being considered one of Aesop’s greatest works.  It is the story of a boy that told his father that he was going to travel the world to seek his fame and riches.  With his father’s blessing the boy packed his mule with all the things he thought he would need for the long journey.  Among these items were his sleeping mat, an alpaca fur blanket, a pillow made of ostrich feathers, and a burlap tent.  When his father asked him how he planned to secure the tent to the ground, the boy replied, “I will use these stakes made of chicken bones. They will hold.”  The wise father responded, “My boy, I love you, but you have the brains of an auroch if you think that will hold your tent in place.  The gods test such travelers as you, and mark my word son, this will be your undoing.”  “Father, I appreciate your concern, but I am a man of the world now and must travel light to go as far as I possibly can,” the son responded.

So off the boy went.  The boy had traveled 30 nights without event, when he came upon a large outcropping of rock.  “I shall make camp here tonight and start fresh tomorrow.”  The boy set up his tent and staked it to the ground using the chicken bones he had brought.  During the night, the ground began to tremble and a voice from above quaked, waking the boy. “YOU HAVE DISOBEYED THY FATHER AND HAVE BROUGHT MUCH RATH TO THINE SELF.  It was the great oracle, Hephaestus speaking.  The boy was indignant.  “Hephaestus, I am a man now and do not need advice from my father!”

Just then, the earth heaved greatly and the boy was thrown off his feet.  The wind blew violently and the tent’s chicken bone stakes snapped, sending the tent into the air and out of site. From high atop the rocks came a massive spew of volcanic ash that came pouring down on the boy, burying him up to his neck.  “YOU HAVE BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF, YOUNG BOY.  YOU SHOULD HAVE PURCHASED THE VARGO SHEPARD’S HOOK TITANIUM STAKES!”  The boy was filled with contrition and said, “You are right, great Hephaestus.  If you let me live, I shall spread the word of your magnificence throughout the land.”  “SO BE IT!” shouted Hephaestus, and at once the boy was back standing next to his tent as though it had all been a dream.  But in place of the chicken bones were brand new Vargo Shepard’s Hook Titanium Stakes.

The boy made it back to his village and spent the rest of his days making and giving away Vargo Titanium stakes to all who desired them.  And he lived to a ripe old age of 42. (People died young back then.)

Officials are scurrying to set up a camping gear store next to the Parthenon to take advantage of the situation.

Freestyle Audio Waterproof MP3 Player

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03.11.09 7:15 pm

Freestyle Audio Waterproof MP3 Player

Freestyle Audio Waterproof MP3 Player

You love your music. You love it bad. But you got a problem. Your job and your music don’t mix. It’s been your lifelong dream to be a Conservation Technician (read: Aquarium Cleaner), but it’s a major drag not to have your tunes 10 feet down there as you evade the sharks and stingrays to clean the glass aquarium walls. Sure, you enjoy the dolphins chatter, but they have no rhythm. And humming into your scuba mouthpiece just gave you a mouthful of water. So you’re considering hanging up the fins and picking up the pooper-scooper. Don’t do it. Live your dream and still enjoy your music with the Freestyle Audio Waterproof MP3 Player.

Rugged, durable, and waterproof, this MP3 player allows you to bring your favorite tunes anywhere. Completely submersible up to 10 ft. It’s shockproof, durable design allows for skip free audio. And if someone happens to drop a toaster into the aquarium, your MP3 player will live on. (It will probably be given to your next of kin.)

The 1 Gig Freestyle holds and plays up to 320 songs, and features a built-in rechargeable battery with up to 30 hours playtime per charge, plenty of jamosity to get you through all the tanks at the zoo. And if you happen to drop it while trying to remove that stubborn squid goo, don’t sweat it. The Freestyle floats!

PC/MAC compatible. Includes waterproof earbuds, arm strap (screen), USB cable, and user guide.

Seattle Sports AquaKnot 1800 Dry Bag

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03.02.09 9:32 pm

Seattle Sports AquaKnot 1800

Seattle Sports AquaKnot 1800

Dear Canvas,

We shared some wonderful times over the years.  You and I have been through a lot together.  Remember the trip to Mexico?  You hauled my heavy 4×5 camera all the way to the top of Chichen Itza and you never complained once.  And when we went through the thick mangrove forests in Columbia, you came out all scratched, but relatively intact.

But I knew the good times had to come to an end.  Our trip to the Oregon coast this winter revealed your true nature.  Your attitude was all soggy and wet.  You became dead weight to me as I struggled to get to the edge of the ocean at Ecola State Park.

Since then, I knew our relationship was over, but now  I just need closure.  And I’ve met another that can give me that closure.  Seattle Sports AquaKnot 1800 came into my life just when I needed it most.  In fact AquaKnot gives me 3 kinds of closure.

When I’m rafting and need side closure, AquaKnot offers detachable straps that cinch down to the sides of the bag, which connect to traditional top buckles.

When I’m feeling more traditional, AquaKnot give me a simple clip-together closure.  All I have to do is roll three times and clip together in the center.

And finally, when I’m cycling and I need a quick, clean closure but don’t need cinch-down waterproof protection, AquaKnot’s side straps clip off and the buckles hide to allow for a simple center-mounted over-the top Velcro®-style strap to keep the bag closed.

All in all, I’ve found the perfect companion.  I’m sorry Canvas, but you and I knew it couldn’t last forever.  There were too many holes in our relationship.

Canvas, there’s one last thing you should know.  You stink! (AquaKnot smells as nice as the day we met.)

Good luck and good bye.

Miriam

Hennessy Expedition ASYM Hammock

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02.24.09 9:53 pm

Hennessy Expedition Hammock

Hennessy Expedition Hammock

I am UBA KAMILA, the first son of the third wife of President Jacque Kamila. With regards to detailed information and recommendation of your person and company from the Johannesburg Chamber of commerce and Industry (JCCI), I wish to ask for your favor and assistance in a very confidential business arrangement.  A large amount of Hennessy Expedition ASYM Hammocks have come into my posession.  I am needing your assistance in receiving this hammocks for safe keeping till when i come over to your country.

These hammocks are highly sought-after.  The new Asymmetrical shape provides instant comfort over rocky, wet or sloping terrain and protection from sun, wind, rain, black flies, etc.  The Expedition includes a patented self-closing entrance through the bottom, which seals automatically and a new comfortable shape to keep your back straight and level when resting on the diagonal.  So now you understand how valuable this shipment is.

These hammocks were given to me as a portion of inheritance from my father and was never disclosed to anyone in the family except my twin sister, due to the polygamous battle for the struggle of birth right and for the fact that this his major properties and wealth were shared among his four legitimate wives.

My Mother happened to be third although she died when i was seven years old and we have little or nothing out of it.

I am currently in loggerheads with my elder brother MUSA, a major general who is currently Democratic Republic of congo’s (DRC) head, after our father was fatally shot dead by 2nd deputy defense secretary Haishiva Haludu on tuesday night, as a result of a growing rift between him and some of his top army commanders.

All i want from you is to assist me in claiming my consignment from the Security Company and assist me also in transferring the hammocks into your posession.

IF there is any way you can assist me, morally and financially, I would be most indebted to you. Please endeavor to keep this business confidential though it is 100%risk free. I am prepared to offer you 20% of the total sum for your assistance.

Best regards,

Uba Kamila

Vaude Astra 55+10 I Moss Backpack

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02.21.09 12:33 am

Vaude Astra 55+10 I Moss Backpack

Vaude Astra 55+10 I Moss Backpack

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.

At the table in the kitchen, there were three backpacks laying on the table. Goldilocks was hungry for a new backpack, but it had to fit right. She tried on the first backpack.

“This backpack hurts my back!” she exclaimed.

So, tried on the second backpack.

“This backpack hurts my hips!” she said

So, she tasted, er, tried on the last backpack–a Vaude Astra 55+10.

“Ahhh, this backpack is just right,” she said happily and she started putting all her stuff in it–her awesome sleeping bag, a cool camp stove she had “found” earlier, and some bear claws for an afternoon snack. Then she noticed that there was some left over porridge sitting on the table, so she scarfed that up too. (Goldi had some issues.)

By this time she was pretty drowsy, so she laid out on the sofa and used her new Vaude Astra as a headrest. As she was sleeping, three bears came into the house.

“Someone’s been trying on my backpack AND eating my porridge!” growled the Papa bear.

“Someone’s been trying on my backpack and eating MY porridge!” said the Mama bear.

“Someone’s been trying on my backpack AND eating my porridge AND they’re using my backpack for a headrest!” cried the Baby bear.

Just then, Goldilocks woke up and saw the three bears. She screamed, “Holy Sh**!” and dove out the window (but not before putting on her Vaude Astra 55+10 backpack, which by the way cushioned her fall.) Luckily the Vaude Astra was so light, she was able to run really fast and those bears couldn’t catch her. A few years later, Goldilocks was arrested for shoplifting a tent. She got two years of probation and a $1000 fine. She’s appearing on the next season of Celebrity Rehap–Shoplifting Addiction.

– THE END –